Friday, January 11, 2008

Phase 2....

Usually my ideas come from barely legible penmarks scribbled on bar napkins the morning after my roommate and I get completely wasted. We'd sit on our barstools, splitting $3 pitchers, eavesdropping into the conversations of other people. It's amazing what people talk about at the bar. I mean crazy stuff: their medical catastrophies, just how "good" it was the other night, just how bad it was, how awful it will be if ____ found out that her best friend was sleeping with her boyfriend, etc. I mean A-mazing amounts of blackmail can be gathered in just one evening. Court and I even took pictures of people to put with our scribbled napkins. I'd act like I was posing for a picture and Court would hold the camera slightly off to the side to get the White Trash go-go boots chick hanging all over Sarah's soon-to-be-dumped-after-tonight boyfriend. It made it a lot easier in the morning when you had photos to jog your memory before writing.

I have found great ideas while in the shower. I do my best thinking in the shower. I have even contemplated keeping a dry erase board in there My freshman year of college I had one of those recorders that had the tiny tapes in it. I bought it for lectures, but then I found myself talking to it more than my professors. Everyone should get one of those. I know you're all probably thinking of that rediculous infomercial where the girl is at the supermarket replaying her, "Butter, milk, eggs" store list in the most god-awful monotone voice.

Sometimes I have even found an idea while watching baseball, sitting up in the stands watching a certain someone in his adorable baseball uniform. I can multi-task when I want to. I have even had outrageous dreams where I wake up and think, "Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!" I don't know why I write about random stuff. It's kind of like a bad habit, but one you don't want to quit. Retail therapy for some, blogging for others. I dunno, it's free. So sue me.

This time my inspiration came to me while listening to one of my friends talk about her dates with a certain guy. She and I talk at length about guys and what their deal is every time we see each other. We've just always been that way.

A couple of years ago I came across a book that truly changed my life. My roommate at the time and I were both in interesting guy situations and we heard about a book called, He's Just Not That Into You. I made a joke about it in passing, and for Christmas I got a Lindsay Lohan CD (F-in RIGHT!) and that very book. We laughed about it and I remember telling Jess that there's no way a man could talk honestly about his own species and not get beat up by the rest of the male race for thinking it, let alone having the audacity to publish it.

I opened the book, and by the time I had finished chapter one I was born again. Girlfriend -as Greg the author called me- was in for some serious reality checking. I read that book like I was dying of thirst after a marathon and it was a Gatorade.

I learned so much from that book. I gave up trying for about year. I had two encounters with two different guys and I seriously could care less if they called me or anything more than a makeout session came out of it. I was even a bitch to one of the guys. Like hardcore. Anyway, long story short. It was 11 months before I even thought about a relationship with someone. And I remember being told while bartending one night, that I was ready. Yes, I was ready for a relationship. OK cool. Let's do it.

I took a lot from that book, but still kept some of my own thougths and what not, but it made me smarter. I think about certain parts of it a lot. I think I owe Greg a little 'thank you' now that I am happy, in love, with a wonderful guy I've been dating for over a year.

Ok, so I told my friend about the book. It's like pay it forward. You HAVE to pass it on people. We were talking a few days ago about it, and all the sudden she brings up this article she found while brooding over a recent asshole who took the easy way out. For years ladies, we have been searching in vain for a good explanation for why guys do what they do. I had a great book, some people have spots on Oprah, Lifetime made movies, and teenagers wrote "Jimmy has a small penis" on the bathroom stall door and felt vindicated. But we never really had a term. Like illnesses have a term- flu, migraine, pneumonia, even, a period. But guys get off scot-free. Nothing tangible. Until now.

The article is like a godsend.

Enter the "Faze out." Yep, that is correct. That jack ass that led you on, then disappeared, or fazed you out. Now, don't get too excited. One night stands don't count. It's too dangerous to be sleeping OR fooling around with someone on the first night anyhow. So if he got the milk for free, you earned that one. Hate to be harsh, but that's how it is.

Ok, so you meet a guy, he seems nice enough. Maybe you get a couple of drinks. Have a second date. Everything is going well. He tells you that you're such an awesome girl, blah blah blah. You have a third date. He invites you to meet his family and friends.

He forgets to call when he says he will. You forgive him- people get busy. He forgot to show up for dinner- it happens to weren't all that hungry anyways. He doesn't pick up his phone- hasn't your phone died before? He stops calling...then he just stops.

Notice what's happening? He's fazing you out. He lays it on thick, gets you excited. You begin to think, "Wow this is great! I have had such bad luck and this guy seems really into me and we're making plans...." STOP. Brick wall. You have basically made up every excuse for why he's not calling short of alien abduction or anthrax, and you still cannot win. Did I do something wrong? Wait, did I eat too much at dinner? Was it the bad Tom Cruise joke? What gives?!

Fazing out, is just another way for a ratbastard-excuse-for-a-man to drop a girl on her ass. This can happen over a few dates or over a few months. After researching a bit, I found it can happen over a few years even. If you're married it's called divorce... or for you Catholics, annulment.

Ok, side note- I don't automatically assume all men suck. I actually think boys suck. A true man (TM) would not do something so low. TM's may have been boys in their past, and some are just so awesome that they were born TM's and know that the bond between men and women is a bond of mutual respect and loyalty, not to be forfeited for a bachlor party or because they were wasted. TM's work on their TM status all the time. You get what you give. TM's know this. Boys, on the other hand, only know what their penis tells them. They know that their "thing" goes somewhere and therefore they spend every free moment trying to find just where in fact it goes. The perpetual puzzlepiece game. So in short- not all men are assholes. It just takes one to prove that. Sometimes it does feel like there is only one, somewhere under a rock...but hang in there.

Back to the issue at hand. Fazing out drives us crazy. Why do guys do this? Some guys faze out with out even getting so much as a kiss. They just want a couple dates and then poof! They're gone. So if you're standing in the dust and want to know what the deal is, think about this:

1. Boys (Not TM's) like to keep their egos in constant check. They always ask themselves, "Can I do better? Is she hot enough? Will she make other girls want me?" Then they find out if all that's 6 or less dates. We'll call him " The grass is alway greener on the other side-guy."

2. Boys (Not TM's) have this desire to feel as if they have no one to answer to at any time. Thor does what Thor wants. Grr....*tears into giant drumstick* They also probably have distant relationships with their families. Unless of course they have laundry to do or money to borrow.

3. Boys want to know that they are desired- how can they check someone else out and maybe make a booty call if you're sitting beside them. Also the "roving eye" guy. You can't compete with a guy that stares into any reflective surface with in five miles of himself.

4. Some boys like to play house. He's the most difficult to peg. He's the one who gets us to fall hard, and then he has a sudden change of heart. You really have to work hard to sniff this guy out. He's sweet, he brings you thoughtful gifts. You think he's got his proverbial "shit" together. You may or may not meet his friends/family. But you NEVER stop asking yourself, "Is this guy for real?" You'll have your answer soon enough- he is a coward.

Alrighty, so if you ever come across this article- and as soon as I find the address I will post it- get a good seat and make sure your computer isn't on your lap so you won't knock it over when you do your "Eureka!" dance.

Has anyone ever seen that movie, "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd. It's about a New York girl who, while reading the Sunday paper, comes across an article that discusses the mating behavior of cows. Did you know, that once a male cow mates with a female cow, he will not mate with her again- ever. Even if she's cleaned and perfumed to smell like a "new cow," he won't touch her. She equates this to male mating behavior, as she's been recently jilted. Once and man "gets his cow," i.e. the woman, he no longer wants to be with that cow, and then moves on to find a new cow. And the pattern continues on, over and over again.

She is so wrapped up in this that it consumes her life and she nearly misses the one man who, although in the past was a typical male cow, was really just a TM in boy's clothing, who had been changed by her, with out either of them realizing it until it was almost too late. Fabulous movie. I recommend it. Huge Jackman's character is hard not to love.

Whether it's fazing out, or mad cow syndrome (I had to!) there are at least a few explanations to male behavior that I'm been fortunate to come across and then pass along. I do want to stress however, that men do get a bad rap sometimes. It's like credit cards, a few bad people ruined it for the rest of us. One guy in the article did say that he tried to explain to a woman that he was just not interested romantically and she took it as he thought she was unattractive and told him to kindly fuck off.

Unfortunately, women are programmed anymore to assume that an honest man is just a jerk offending us. We say that we want to know the truth. But can we really handle the truth? Who wants to hear "I had a good time, but I am not really feeling that "romantic vibe"? For men who don't want to hurt our feelings, the faze out allows men to move on. You can think he's an ass, and that's the end. Some men would rather be thought of as jerks then hurt our feelings. Aw, how sweet....

I wish there was a way to know just what you're dealing with, but I really don't have any tricks to sniff out jerks. I do know one thing- and it came from my own Father. I should've paid closer attention when he told me this my freshman year of college. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak. After an awful 3 month faze-out, I was talking to my Dad about the whole ordeal. I had met this jackass at a bar where all my friends hung out. He stopped me right there and said, "Court, trust me, you will never find the man of your dreams in a bar, or a party. No one is themselves at those places. They're either drunk, drugged, or they are trying to impress anyone and everyone." 10 points for you Dad!
I look back on that and just slap my forehead. Duh! I guess we'll never know what kind of guy he is until we get him in the daylight, around his crew, or one-on-one. There are so many women who bitch about how shitty guys are, but if we were really honest with ourselves we could say:
a. we moved too fast
b. we forced him to play house
c. we told him we weren't into anything serious, when we all know that is a lie- that will make a guy run faster than fire. If you want a relationship, speak up. It saves you both time and energy if you aren't on the same page.
d. we're really just not that into HIM.
e. we were tired of being "the only one" with out a boyfriend.
f. it truly would never have lasted past spring formal.

Another great pearl of wisdom from my Dad- if there is some tiny thing about him that you don't like, i.e. how he eats, how he says something, they way he treats you, get out now. It will only bug the crap out of you. Think of it this way: if he pick his nose now, when you're still getting to know each other and everyone's on their best behavior, think about what he'll do later on when you're comfortable around each other. Ewww.

I think a lot of times, and I say this from experience, that most of the guys we thought were awesome and turned out to be not-so-awesome were our fault. We overlooked things to keep it all together. He was being himself, NOT lying in fact. We figured we could train our man to be our prince charming. Would you like to be "trained" into cooking food for impromptu poker nights? Hell no. So why shove a square into a circle? If I only knew then what I know now.

When realtionships end, for whatever reason, it still sucks, this is true. It makes you rethink every teensy tiny moment you spent with Mr. Unwonderful. Just stop. Don't do that to yourself. Unless that gives you some sort of closure. Just be happy that you're free to find someone else and aren't wasting your time anymore. I once saw this movie- I don't know which one unfortunately- but it was about a girl who was in this one sided relationship. She tried so hard to make it work. There was a scene where she was sitting in a park watching people walk by and she saw a couple having a picnic. She imagined that she was with that guy and how sweet he was. Then she saw a couple holding hands. She imagined herself with him. And then another and another. Before long she relized that her current man would never do any of the things she was daydreaming about. He didn't have a sweet bone in his body and she was holding out, thinking he'd change. In the end she dumped him, and found this hottie writer-type who treated her much better. So see, why do we beat ourselves up? We need to find that sweet hottie writer-type!

We could go on and on, but maybe some of this helped a bit. At least it's something to chew on. I wouldn't recommend the faze out for anyone- honesty is not boring, it's common courtesy. Don't do unto men what men have done to you. You will for sure, hurt someone who doesn't deserve it, or you will get it right back ten-fold. Talk about square one. If he doesn't want to be with you, take it in stride, and keep on truckin' ahead to the next guy or just be happy being free. You don't have to have a man to be happy. And when you look at being dumped as "Great, now I have to go back to being single," then you will most definitely hate it. But when you look at it as, "Sweeeeet, I'm single!" Then you'll have a better attitude and be more open to just relax and live it one day at a time. I would highly recommend the not dating for six months to a year option. You get to do a lot of soul searching in that time and not be clouded by the dating game.

No comments: